To The Magician (P2)

Dear Magician,
Love is gratitude speeding through your ragged veins at a hundred miles a minute, and gratitude doesn’t expire, no matter how many skies have fallen, but it fades, becoming a fossilized lyric in this museum of memory. It stays but we do stop bleeding. Slowly, one day at a time. Falling out of love is a lot like falling in it. I don’t know where I am heading, but I cannot stop.
After all this time, I sometimes question myself that if this would be any different, would I be wiser or would I choose you all over and break my heart a million times again and still be happy in its entirety that it’s atleast by someone that I couldn’t ever regret? Well, even though it hurts like a billion pricks shoved right at your heart, I would still do it all over again. “ For You, A Thousand Times Over”. I, sometimes, wonder if all of this is wrong- missing someone who isn’t around anymore. I realized that there’s no other way. We love what we love and even if there was a better choice, even if there were a trillion stars lighting up the whole sky, you would always know which part of cosmos you are happy with. You would always choose love and pain over a thousand better because no matter how we talk about happy endings, we will always have a thing for unfinished conversations and the only things that made us feel: the only things that we were told to let go, and that’s how we live life- whether we want to or not.
There are times when suddenly, out of nowhere, in the middle of some random love song, we decide that we hate that song. There is no reason, or maybe that reason is so simple. The reason is someone. The reason is that we remember a lot .

The reason is that we have flashbacks, flashbacks of our text messages that we sent each other and flashbacks of the screenshots that we took and put them carefully in our favorites section. We have flashbacks of how we said goodnight to each other, breathing their name slowly and then saying “I love you” so weekly that we want to curl in their arms and never let go. We have flashbacks of our first kisses, and our last kisses and all the in-betweens. We have flashbacks of we held their hands and looked into their deep, brown eyes and realized that they were the one for us. We hate that we remember too much, yet we can’t stop but smile. In the middle of that song, we remember all of these like some movie scene, and we can’t help but wonder how some memories can be so beautiful and painful in the same time. So, we leave it there. We stop thinking, we stop listening to the song. We pick up our phones and do something to distract ourselves. Then when the song finishes, we have already stopped romanticizing. We are done with it, but in the back of our minds we still hate that song, and still on days like today when the rain falls too hard, and the thunders are too loud, we type the name of that song and play it on loop.
We realize that we have learnt to live without them, and we do not want them anymore but somewhere our heart is still in love with that innocence, with how honest we were, and somehow, no matter how much we try, we can’t be both of those things anymore.