To The Magician (P1)

Dear Magician,
I find your name etched in the vagaries of my blood, it flows away, you’re leaving, your stories of me wed my namelessness and our time together, in its abundance, lies wasted a road without signs, a sky without clouds, a love without you.
I’ll tell you how it felt the first time we met. When I walked up down the road and you stood at the pavement. I knew you were going to ruin my life but you were like a magician who cast his spell and I forgot what I knew. It is hard when you don’t know what is going to break you, and it’s hard when you know exactly what is. All that you are not aware of now is when, you wait for the day when it’s going to blow up and be over. You want to resist, but you have been waiting for love for so long that now you don’t want to hold back. You have been careful with your words all your life, but it took you a few minutes to decide that you fell in love. It was like this moment that you were living, but you were constantly trying to remember all of it so that you can miss it later. When you touched me, it felt like firework. When you left me, it felt like an explosion. I remember the taste of your lips, it smelled like something so unfamiliar and mysterious as if it was telling me that I will never know you fully. Your lips were almost cold, I kept wondering how many women have touched it before and how many will touch it after. The way , the way you held me was all that anybody could ask for. It was like you already knew my vulnerabilities. You whispered my name as if it was a holy chant, and then you looked that me as if you were looking for something that is hidden for long. You scribbled poetry in my hands with your finger and your eyes told me to note them down in my diary. You were everything.

You told me that nobody had made you feel loved the way I did, nobody understood you the way I did but you said that there is a part of your soul that you don’t even show yourself and then you took my cigarette and told me all about your life, and I realized that I will never be a destination that you would have stayed in if you wanted to. I was, I was just a stop. You suddenly stopped talking and held my hand, and filled my chest up with all the love that I had for you, and it was close to erupting. My body wanted to shatter into pieces, I didn’t want to fix my heart. The rest was like honking of the cars and the occasional ripples on the lake.
The truth is, in shadows and dreams, you’ll always keep remembering the people you loved and there is nothing you can do, to stop that.