To The Knight In Shining Armour (P9)

Dear knight in shining Armour,
There are promises and hollow apologies that I cannot make up for, and yet I want to make up for all the things that I did to ruin you because even if I couldn’t love you right, I never intended to do you wrong. My mother told me to love out of the warmth and I, I loved you out of greed to be loved, which I couldn’t deal with. You, you knew all of this and yet, you gave me a chance and I took you for granted because you knew me and accepted me for all I was. I never knew you accepted me as an act of charity. I never realized that you loved me because you wanted me to forget my loneliness, so that I realize that there are beautiful things in my life and the most beautiful thing among them is love, the love that you were pouring on me from the depth of your heart. When I understood, you were long gone. I always told you that endings can be beautiful and you told me most times they aren’t especially when the beginnings get hidden behind them.
Since you left, I have started questioning a lot of things in my life. I always found the sky very amazing and sunsets had the fragrance of a home I don’t know the address to. Maybe, sunsets aren’t beautiful. Maybe, they only appear to be beautiful because there’s a hope of sunrise. Maybe, I home I did not know the address of doesn’t quite exist. Maybe, endings are at all beautiful. Maybe, the only reason why I found them beautiful was because they helped to survive by thinking that they marked new beginnings.
I remember the last time we met. I sat there and looked at you while you held me tightly. I wanted to say a lot of things but you decided to leave to leave the next day and I, I sat there and remembered how much you had healed my heartaches and how little I have done for you.

Maybe, I concluded too fast. You healed my heartaches but also increased them in number. You were in pain, and I was reason. I understand why you had to look for a new home. You were a free bird and I was a stupid who tried to cage you. My heart felt like it had always known about this heartbreak, it just didn’t acknowledge it. I spend my days writing apology letters and love poems which I never wish to send.
You were distant, knight. How could I tell you that I love you? Your story makes me believe that maybe endings are also beautiful because they give you all the time to heal, maybe they are beautiful because you can begin again the next day. I realized you had moved on and I realized it will take me a lifespan to be where you are and nothing can be done about it. I sit in the balcony, looking at the edge of the terrace, and crying like a fool and I looked at the sun fading away, falling into the night and I realized that maybe, endings weren’t beautiful at all.