To Knight In Shining Armour (P8)

May,2020. Asansol

Dear knight in shining armour,
I kept looking at my phone, your chatbox open, and the words unsaid lay between us, abandoned, like a burning cigarette, waiting to become one with the air that smelled of yearning and regret. Oh, I wish I could tell you how I’ll never live enough lifetimes to forget that death doesn’t necessarily come with flowers and funerals. Sometimes, it just slips into your bed at 2 and switches off the nightlamp with a resounding click, and nothing is the same, ever again.
I think of you sometimes. The time you spent with me sits under that sunshade, looking at the building which is the department of oceanology and the trees- forlorn, forgotten. I think of your voice and the laughter ringing in my ears and fervently hope that the moment stays frozen in time because it has dissolved like sugar on my tongue. The constellations that we become night after night burst into fireworks with echoes of the screams that escaped our chained hearts and light that went away with the dawn. It would have been wonderful if I could have wished for your arms around me, for your fingers to entwine with mine like sighs and tears but you’re no longer here and your fingers no longer trace the lines running down my palms. I can no longer find you in my today or yesterdays and I realized that I stopped wishing to run into you because I am not strong enough to look into your eyes and not fall in love with you.
One of the gravest mistakes we commit is going back to people who do not want us. No matter how comfortable you might have been, it is in the past, and sometimes people belong there. I will keep making such mistakes, like these letters.
You had your reasons and limits, I am a bad human being incapable of being loved but don’t knock at my window now to remind me how it felt when we were together and to make me feel how it is now that we aren’t . I am really not ready for it. You could cut me out of your life like that chapter in quantitative aptitude which we never did but I, I had put in a lot more and loved you too dearly, like the way you did the TWD and the way I loved my geometry. Dear knight, I play video games with my “old friends”, and you play with the best friend of your new life. You and I, we are really very different. I dwell in the past and you live for the future. Maybe, that’s the reason we aren’t together.



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