Dear unnameable,
It has been long. People often ask me how can I still feel the same for you. How can I still feel the same for you without getting anything in return. I don’t answer them anymore. It is but very foolish to answer them. They don’t know you. They have never felt your presence in your life. Then how would they understand when I say that one can never have any feeling close to dislike or hate for you. You are the child of the cosmos, the royalty of the sky. For what I understand, love is not something one can give and take. That is not how it works. At least, not as far as I am concerned. Especially, when one feels for someone deeply and effortlessly.
Loving you, it’s like breathing . Involuntary and crucial for my survival. Someone asked me a few hours back about what all I went through while I was suffering from your absence? I went through nights when my heart felt like it was being ripped apart. I held myself at 4am in the morning , trying to convince myself that it was never possible no matter how much I wanted it to happen. I had to tear apart my world in the alternate reality I had built around you with my own hands.
What do I have to do to train myself to live without you? Nothing, except to break myself over and over again until I was too strong to be broken ever again.
You know, I could never make myself too strong to make sure you could never mold me again. Try as I might, the thought of you still sent a shiver down my spine, my heart remembering all the times I stared at you like an idiot, the time you held my hand for the first time and I was overjoyed because I got to touch your hand, the times you would walk in front of my department building and I would involuntarily somehow end up being in the same place. All these days, I have changed and become a better woman. Irony being, one interaction with you and I turn into that nervous little girl who just didn’t know how to a boy what he meant to her and ask him to stay, and one who still doesn’t. All those times, all those moments, they are seared onto my heart like a brand. Every time, I see your green dot light up on social media, I still wait for you to talk to me, like I waited all those days when we would have fought over really trivial issues. I still want to hold you, and whisper your name like a chant, like I did. I still want to hear back that I meant half as much to you as you meant to me, even if I know that it will never happen. Even if I know none of it will ever happen. You ask me how can I still love you, after all this time, even after getting nothing in return? Simple, I never expected anything back. All I ever wanted to do was give all of me and mine to you and that is pretty much what I did.